When you think of “mindfulness,” it’s easy to imagine serene meditation sessions or moments of quiet introspection. And while those can be part of it, mindfulness is about something much bigger—how you engage with every moment of your life.
Mindfulness is a practice that can shape how you handle stress, navigate relationships, and make decisions. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) gives us a practical framework for this, breaking mindfulness down into actionable steps. In DBT, the “How” skills teach us how to be mindful effectively—Non-Judgmentally, One-Mindfully, and Effectively.
Why the "How" Skills Matter
Think of mindfulness as a muscle. To strengthen it, you need not only the right exercises but also the proper form. The "How" skills are about how you practice mindfulness—how you go about observing, describing, and participating in the present moment. Without them, mindfulness becomes fragile, prone to collapsing under the weight of judgment, distraction, or ineffective habits.
The truth is, mindfulness is less about what you do and more about how you do it. It’s about how you approach your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that determines whether you’re reactive or responsive, scattered or focused, stuck or adaptable.
So, let’s break down each of these "How" skills, and see how you can integrate them into your life to build greater emotional and mental flexibility.
1. Non-Judgmentally: Let Go of the Stories
It is EXHAUSTING for our minds to constantly evaluate every thought, feeling, or action as either good or bad, right or wrong. Our brains are wired to judge—it’s a survival mechanism—but when judgment takes over, it blocks mindfulness. We get caught in stories about how things should be instead of accepting them as they are.
When you practice Non-Judgmentally, you stop putting everything on trial. You simply notice what’s happening without labeling it as “good” or “bad.” You become an impartial observer in your own mind. This doesn’t mean you’re indifferent or that you can’t have opinions. It just means that you’re not letting those opinions drive your behavior.
Let’s say you’re feeling anxious before a big presentation. The judgmental mind might say, “This anxiety is bad. I shouldn’t feel this way. What’s wrong with me?” In contrast, the non-judgmental mind notices the feeling without adding a layer of criticism: “I’m feeling anxious right now.” No judgment, just a simple acknowledgment.
This non-judgmental stance opens up space for curiosity and acceptance. Instead of getting stuck in how you think things should be, you create the freedom to work with what actually is.
2. One-Mindfully: Ditch the Multitasking Trap
If you’re like most people (*me too!*), you probably spend a lot of time multitasking—answering emails while eating lunch, thinking about your next meeting while on a phone call, or even scrolling your phone while watching TV. It feels like a productivity hack, but research shows that multitasking actually decreases efficiency and increases stress. Worse, it pulls us out of the present moment.
One-Mindfully is about doing one thing at a time and giving it your full attention. It’s the antidote to distraction. When you practice this skill, you commit to being fully present with whatever you’re doing—whether it’s a conversation, a work task, or simply washing the dishes. You notice when your mind drifts, and you gently bring it back to what’s in front of you.
Think about it: When was the last time you did just one thing? Most of us are conditioned to think that doing more things at once is the key to success, but true effectiveness comes from focusing on one task and doing it well. One-mindfulness allows you to be fully engaged in the present moment, which not only enhances your productivity but also your sense of fulfillment.
The key to practicing one-mindfully is catching yourself in the act of multitasking and redirecting your attention. It’s not about getting it right every time—it’s about noticing when you’ve drifted and bringing your focus back to the moment, over and over again.
3. Effectively: Focus on What Works
Here’s the hard truth: sometimes we get so caught up in what’s “right” that we forget to focus on what’s actually working. Effectively is about being practical, not perfect. It’s about focusing on what helps you achieve your goals, rather than getting stuck in rigid thinking or unproductive habits.
In DBT, being effective means letting go of “shoulds” and asking, “What will work in this situation?” It’s about dropping the rope -- stepping out of the emotional or intellectual tug-of-war and choosing the path that moves you forward.
Let’s go back to that presentation example. Maybe you believe that you should feel calm and confident before speaking in public. But instead of getting wrapped up in that expectation, ask yourself, “What’s going to help me deliver this presentation effectively, when I’m feeling anxious?” You might realize that practicing some deep breathing or focusing on the material rather than your nerves will help you perform better, despite how you’re feeling.
Practicing effectively often means letting go of the need to be “right” and embracing the messiness of real life. It’s about recognizing that what works might not always feel comfortable or align with your ideal expectations—and that’s okay. Being effective means you’re adapting, moving forward, and ultimately thriving.
Putting the "How" Skills Together
Mindfulness isn’t something you get right—it’s something you practice. And like any skill, the more you work at it, the stronger it becomes. The "How" skills of mindfulness—Non-Judgmentally, One-Mindfully, and Effectively—are your blueprint for staying grounded in the present moment, no matter what life throws at you.
Here’s how they work together:
You notice your mind wandering (One-Mindfully),
You observe your thoughts and feelings without labeling them (Non-Judgmentally),
And then you ask, “What’s going to be most helpful or productive in this moment?” (Effectively).
These skills aren’t just for quiet moments of reflection. They’re for your everyday life—when you’re stuck in traffic, having a difficult conversation, or making a tough decision at work. The "How" skills bring clarity and focus, helping you move through life with greater ease and purpose.
The beauty of the "How" skills is that they make mindfulness accessible. You don’t have to be perfect at mindfulness to benefit from it. In fact, it’s the willingness to keep practicing—without judgment—that makes mindfulness so powerful. When you approach life non-judgmentally, one-mindfully, and effectively, you create space for growth, learning, and deeper engagement with the world around you.
So, start small. The next time you catch yourself multitasking or getting caught up in self-criticism, take a breath, and gently bring yourself back to the present. Mindfulness is always available to you—it’s just a matter of practicing how to take hold of it. And remember: It’s not about getting mindfulness right. It’s about being willing to show up, over and over again, as you are.
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