I’m A Child Psychologist And Here Are 5 Things I Never Say To Anxious Kids

As a psychologist and a parent, I’ve sat with a lot of anxiety - my clients’, my child’s, and my own. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: anxious kids aren’t looking for someone to fix their fear. They’re looking for someone to be with them in it.

That’s why, over the years, I’ve gotten very intentional about the words I use (and don’t use) when anyone is overwhelmed.

Here are five things I never say to anxious kids - and what I say instead.

1. “Don’t worry.”

We say this because we want our kids to feel better. But to a child who's already worried, this phrase can feel like emotional gaslighting. It sends the message: “Your feelings don’t make sense.” That can deepen shame and isolation.

Research Insight: Studies show that dismissive reassurance can actually increase anxiety over time, as children feel less understood and more alone in their distress (Hudson et al., 2009).

What I say instead:“That worry feels big right now. I’m here with you.”

This validates the experience and anchors the child in connection.

2. “It’s not a big deal.”

This phrase aims to bring perspective, but it can invalidate the child’s nervous system. Their body is reacting like it’s a big deal—and that deserves compassion, not correction.

Research Insight: Emotional invalidation has been linked to increased emotional dysregulation in children (Shenk & Fruzzetti, 2011).

What I say instead:“It feels like a big deal to you. Let’s handle it together.”

We don’t need to agree with the fear—we just need to honor the child feeling it.

3. “Calm down.”

Two words that rarely lead to calm. When a child is anxious, their fight-or-flight system is activated. Telling them to “calm down” assumes access to skills that may not be online in that moment.

Research Insight: Co-regulation—when a calm adult helps a child regulate—is more effective than demanding self-regulation, especially in younger kids (Porges, 2011; Siegel & Bryson, 2012).

What I say instead:“Let’s take a breath together.”

Or, “Want to sit close while we figure this out?”

Your regulated presence is more powerful than any directive.

4. “There’s nothing to be scared of.”

Even if a fear seems irrational, it’s real in the body. Brains don’t respond well to logic when in survival mode. This phrase can unintentionally shut down a child’s sense of safety.

Research Insight: Cognitive neuroscience shows that fear hijacks the prefrontal cortex—making rational thought difficult in anxious moments (LeDoux, 2002).

What I say instead:“Sometimes our brain tells us scary stories. Want to hear what mine says sometimes?”This normalizes the experience and builds connection.

5. “You’re fine.”

This is often said reflexively—but it can miss the moment. Anxious kids often feel not fine, and telling them otherwise makes them question their own perception.

Research Insight: Children develop emotional intelligence through attuned mirroring, not denial (Fonagy & Target, 1997).

What I say instead:“I believe in you and I know this is hard.”

Validation + confidence = safety.

Anxious kids don’t need perfect parents or therapists. They need attuned ones—adults who can meet them in the storm and say, “I see you. I’m here. We’ll get through this together.”

You don’t have to have the perfect script. You just have to stay in the room.

References:

• Hudson, J. L., Comer, J. S., & Kendall, P. C. (2008). Parental responses to child anxiety: The role of distress, reinforcement, and modeling. Journal of Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology.

• Shenk, C. E., & Fruzzetti, A. E. (2011). Parental invalidation of emotions and adolescent emotion regulation difficulties. Journal of Child and Family Studies.

• Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation.

• Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2012). The Whole-Brain Child.

• LeDoux, J. (2002). Synaptic Self: How our brains become who we are.

• Fonagy, P., & Target, M. (1997). Attachment and reflective function: Their role in self-organization. Development and Psychopathology.